As I grow up, I find myself being less and less of a good friend. I can't be who I want to be. I let my emotions override my senses, and there's always someone better. I've thought much about this and I think my over-thinking on things made things worse too. I should stop feeling bad. I feel bad 95% of the time when others aren't even offended.
Or maybe I'm just too lonely with my thoughts. Gigabillions (don't think there's such a word) of thoughts zoom pass/in/out/about my mind every single minute but I can't just keep blabbering all my thoughts to any one person. Because there's no such person around. Eventually people will get annoyed with me. Like right now, so much thoughts are jumping in my brain, and I can only blabber them here.
I think I overthink on my loneliness.
I am not that lonely. I have about as many close friends as a normal person usually has. But I just don't feel that there's this special person for me. Someone whom I can pour out all my deepest, darkest, meanest thoughts to and would still stand by me without judgement, knowing that I don't honestly want those dark thoughts to materialise. Someone who won't be bored of the things coming out of my mouth. Yeah, I am lonely. I should probably stop thinking this way, but I just can't. So I get upset by little things easily.
The only possible solution I can think of is filling my brain with as many things as possible so that I won't have the excess of time on such unsolvable issues.
If you've read all the way until this point, I'm really proud of you. My posts are so long, wordy and dull I won't even bother to read it if I were anyone else but me.
But it makes me feel that wee bit better.
Regret switching on the laptop, watching shows and posting an entry. Now it's 1:13 am and I have not done a single thing yet I have to go work early and attend lesson afterwards. I want to kill myself. Bye.
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